Pulling myself out of my bad[ass] mood

Friday, October 21, 2016


I've been too busy and frustrated over the past week or so to write. I felt the need to dive into my masculine side and get shit done financially, and I worked my ass off to do so. As often happens when I push myself too hard, my body decided to push back and force me to slow down. So here I am curled up on the couch typing away after the most inspiring trip to the grocery store.


I'd felt the urge to go all day, though I didn't have a specific item in mind I needed to shop for. This certain grocery store, the only one I shop at, seems to have some very special energy attached to it, at least for me. Magic always is always happening there, the most beautiful synchronicities. That's where I manifested a rug!

This trip was no different. I took my time slowly working my way through the store, checking out deals and looking for random things I knew my cupboards were missing. Cinnamon, cream of tarter, and then hark! Organic GMO free wild rice on sale for 97 cents apiece?? Hell yes. Last week they were $8 a pop! I loaded up a whole dozen, leaving six behind for the next lucky shopper.

I continued my way around the store, stopping twice on my way to the check out for things I forgot, and once more to talk to a acquaintance. I hesitated before talking to her, we live in such a little town that it's very common for people to act like they don't see each other in the store to save themselves from awkward conversation.

I'd met this girl at my exes house when he and I first got together, she was there with her friend who was sleeping with my ex before I was, so we had every reason to avoid each other when we saw one other today, years later in the grocery store. I could hear a hint of surprise in her voice as she greeted me back. Pity also, I assume as a result of me hearing me discussing the absence of my daughter due to a change in parenting time with my favorite manager.

As we talked I felt very proud of myself afterwards for being open, I thought “This is what happens when you stop being a asshole...” you make friends! This thought elevated my mood so much as I stood ruminating over it while my groceries were checked out. The rice I'd swooped was such a killer deal!! The couple behind me in line agreed, saying they'd grabbed those last six for themselves.

The man behind them, his arm in a sling, said he too had noticed the deal and asked if there were any more left in the back “just a one, or two if you have it!” he said. The manager ran back and quickly returned saying that there weren't any more to be found. I had just had the thought to give him one of mine as I heard the woman, who had gotten the last six, say she would give him one!

It was as if she had verbalized my very thoughts! “I will too!!!!” I practically shouted, full of excitement at this beautiful manifestation of synchronicity. Everyone seemed in awe at this show of generosity, and the man with his arm in a sling protested greatly that he could not possibly accept it! I walked with long strides over to him, grabbing the other generously offered container of rice from the beautiful woman and placed them both in his cart.


“Here you go!” I said “now you have two just like you wanted!” and as I turned back around I high-fived the lady and gave her a huge hug. Each of us were tickled to display our love and kindness together in such a way!! On my way to return my cart she said “God bless you!!” and we again agreed how awesome that experience was, “I can't wait to tell my friend” she said, “Me too!” I said.

Isn't that insane? That's become my norm every time I go to the grocery store. Having inexplicably high vibrational experiences with “strangers”. Every time I leave there I do so with the overwhelming sense of “everyone is my friend” and carry that with me for the rest of the day. No, not ever “everyone is my friend” source tell me “everyone is your family” these humans are my family. And it's up to me to love them.

I feel if I had done just one thing differently today my timing would have been completely off and I would have missed this special moment. My next thought after that is that I can't possibly miss the special moments, because they are all special when you look at every single person around you as divinely placed.

I've been processing some deep pain over the last few days specifically. Pain from past wounds that I had assumed I'd healed, but am now realizing I only barely kept covered. They've been festering for quite some time. I've been holding on to A LOT of anger.

Towards men, towards the patriarchal system I was born to. Anger over being treated in a manner that is not fair, just, or moral. As a woman who has always felt a responsibility and pull toward being a leader, I've encountered a lot of frustration through the course of my life over not being taken seriously because of the way I look, because of my sexuality.

I'm realizing in this moment that I can have both. I can lead by example, and the ones who want to listen will follow willingly. I do not have to convince or entice anyone, they will be attracted simply but what they feel inside. The giving of the rice with that other woman today felt so powerful. Here was a lady who also stood strong in kindness, in generosity, enough to act out on it publicly.


wish I had words to describe how powerful and divine it felt!!! The men around us seemed in awe, it was a simple act, but so beautiful. The men of our culture and society want to live this way too, loving with abandon, but it is just more acceptable for females to take the lead as we are more apt to this kind of selfless, unworried love.

For generations men have been forced into warring and fighting on such primal levels, I personally believe it is more in their nature to be withholding. They've had to emotionally remove themselves in ways many do not realize. It's not a bad thing, or it hasn't been. It was necessary for our survival.

This is changing though, we are healing and progressing at such a rate right now, blazing new paths for our children, and their children. I feel so full of love and purpose today now, which was NOT how I felt when I awoke, I'll admit my attitude has been somewhat shit lately. I'm so thankful for the experience of giving with another, of sharing our bounty with such loving hearts. Of joining together in solidarity for what is right.

Thank you so much for reading!! I feel really honored to share these experiences and hope they will resonate and expand further than I can imagine!

Love always, 
B