Happy Full Moon Sept 2016

Friday, September 16, 2016

I've been through a lot of shit lately. Experiencing situations which I had been afraid of for a very long time, learning to fully accept parts of myself which I did not feel free to do before recent times.

My personal energy feels quite male, I'm better able to compartmentalize and restructure my emotions in a analytical way that is quite unlike me. This is happening on a level underneath what I show outwardly, or at least of what I'm aware I'm showing.

Thought processes are being re-trained and my old ideas of right and wrong are being completely challenged. Perspective has turned 180 degrees and I no longer feel a heavy obligation to submit and be entirely feminine. Unleashing this male energy has broken the chains that held me, bolstered my courageous heart.

With massive changes internally come a lot of physical changes as well. My family is my daughter, doggy, and I now. No more daddy, for very valid, painful, reasons. I've been surfing waves of grief over this loss for so long that I'm almost used to the rhythm, and can sometimes get lost in it, content and at peace to be lulled in my broken state.

However I cannot show this side all the time, the only person who is here to stand up and be strong in the times strength is needed, is me. It's becoming progressively easier to accept as the days pass. I cannot help but feel intensely that this ripping away of the old is necessary because the new, the true, will be coming my way soon. I had/have to make room for it!

A big part of accepting this situation has been to accept I have not been receiving the love, support, or respect I'd been so desperately trying to fool myself into thinking I had for the last three years. Love is not cruel or demeaning, it does not mock, or create doubt. It does not abuse, cause fear, intimidate.

Unfortunately I grew up in a family where these unhealthy cycles, though currently being remedied, have been present for so many generations that they are considered "normal. It was quite easy for me to rationalize behavior directed towards me in this way because I'm used to it, or had been for so long.

"Not worthy of love" or worse yet "This is love" are underlying thoughts that plagued me so deeply, I did not even fully realize their presence. It's been so much easier in the past for me to accept the blame for other's mistreatment of me that I felt obligated, in the name of "love", to allow it to continue far past a point that it should of.

Cycle after cycle I exposed my little girl to this unhealthiness, this disease of ego. But she talks now, she understands meaning of words fully even if she cannot pronounce them. It came to a point where I could no longer let her hear me ripped down till a point of implosion, my desperate apologies, my hidden sobs.

Time wise it wasn't long, but I feel so much of my childhood was spent sitting outside the bathroom door of our old farmhouse, listening to my mother cry and wanting to be let it. When she did allow this my efforts to comfort her only seemed to intensify her feelings of guilt and hate of self.

The desire to be protected by a man has led me into so many dangerous, vulnerable situations. I've been shown that this is within my capabilities to do for myself now, there is no longer a unfilled "need" for my future partner. I'm shown how this allows him to open and accept his feminine energy as well, instead of putting him in a position of obligation or expectation.

I don't know when he will come into my life, but I am emotionally making room for the dude I'm meant to be with. I believe this was necessary and is all for a higher good. I'm also assured that he is working on himself and also going through many life changes at this time himself.

For the first time in a long time I am not choking down emotions, unsaid words, pain. I'm feeling every ounce and letting it seep out. It's messy, and ugly, some people in my life have had to turn their backs. I do not hold it against them but I am taking special care to recognize and appreciate those who have stood by me through this transition.

It seems so many other's are going through rough transitional times as well. If you are take hope, I know it's SO hard to do so when we are in such a emotionally charged time. Keep in mind that disaster is inevitable, even in nature we see cycles of chaos, without which new growth would not occur. Good things are coming!!

Use this time to focus, to reset, reorganize. Prepare for whatever is to come, good or more shit. Squeeze out enjoyment, happiness, and laughter when you can. Nothing allows me to change my mind set like a good dance party with my tiny babe. It's ok to let people see you sad! Let them see you laugh in the face of your pain, let them see you grow from it.